An Irishman walked into the local pharmacy, reached into his pocket, and took out his quarter size Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon.He poured out a teaspoonful and offered it to the chemist."Please taste this for me.."The chemist took the teaspoon, put the liquid into his mouth, and swilled it around before swallowing."Did that taste sweet to you?" said Paddy."No, not at all," replied the chemist."Oh that's a great relief" said Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and have my urine tested for sugar."
A boy is invited to Thanksgiving dinner at his girlfriend’s parent’s house so that they can meet him.
They’ve been together a while but haven’t had sex yet.
His girlfriend tells him that after he meets her parents they can “get intimate”. So in preparation, he decides to get some condoms at the local drugstore.
As this will be his first time, he doesn’t know anything about condoms and so he asks the pharmacist what he should buy.
The pharmacist explains all about the differences between the brands and after a long chat the boy decides on a large box of “ribbed for her pleasure”.
The time comes for the Thanksgiving dinner and the young couple are seated at the dinner table with the girl’s parents.
The girl is surprised to see the boy has his head bowed down apparently deep in prayer.
She whispers to him, “I didn’t know you were so religious!”
He whispers back, “I didn’t know your father was a pharmacist.”
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy Shawn, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible downpour so they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained, "and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry." John said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn and if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared so they got on their way and enjoyed a great weekend of golf.
But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good looking widow on the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?”
"Yes, I do." said Shawn.
"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Well, um, yes." Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to give her my name and address instead of telling her your name?"
Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
A sailor meets a pirate in a bar, and the pair take turns boasting of their adventures on the high seas.
The sailor notes that the pirate has a peg leg, a hook and an eye patch, and asks: “So, how did you end up with the peg leg?”
The pirate replies: “We were in a storm at sea and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out a shark bit my leg off.”
“Wow!” says the sailor. “What about your hook?”
“Well,” replies the pirate, “while my men and I were plundering in the Middle East, I was caught stealing from a merchant and the punishment for theft in the Middle East is the loss of the hand that steals.”
“Incredible!” remarks the sailor. “How did you get the eye patch?”
“A seagull dropping fell into my eye,” replies the pirate.
“You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?” the sailor asks incredulously.
“Well,” says the pirate, “it was my first day with the hook.”