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Discussion Starter #1
And I'll start this off...

Shortly after a man in Florida was arrested for having an "I EAT A$$" sticker on his truck prosecutors have dropped all charges against him, And I think I know how he got out of it... ;)
 

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3 couples, one in their 20's, one in their 40's, and one in their 60's were applying to a church for membership. The pastor sat with them and explained they would have to undergo a chastity test and agree to refrain from sex for 30 days. They all agreed.

A month later they all got together to meet with the pastor and discuss how they did.

The 60's couple went first. They said that they were content to hold hands and sit near each other and were able to make it 30 days without sex. The pastor congratulated them.

Next was the couple in their 40's. The husband mentioned that the first 3 weeks weren't really a struggle, but the last week was a little rough, but they successfully made it once he took matters into his own hands. The pastor smiled and congratulated them.

Then the couple in their 20's went. The husband said it was rough from day one, but they had made it 3 and a half weeks when one day he saw her bent over in front of the freezer and he couldn't resist. The pastor thanked them for their truthfulness but said that they didn't pass the test and would not be allowed church membership. At this point, the young wife speaks up and says, "That's okay. What's worse is we can never go back to that grocery store."
 

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And I'll start this off...

Shortly after a man in Florida was arrested for having an "I EAT A$$" sticker on his truck prosecutors have dropped all charges against him, And I think I know how he got out of it... ;)
It's always "Florida man."
 

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Bloke goes into a golf pro shop and asks for a caddy. A big silver robot comes out, and the bloke asks what it is. The pro replies, state of the art caddy sir, gives you the distance to the pin, what club to use, and the wind speed. He tells him there is a special offer, and if he doesn't knock at least one shot of his best ever round he will get his money back. He knocks two shots off and is delighted. The golfer comes back a week later and asks for another caddy. This time a little boy comes out, and the golfer asks where the state of the art caddy is. The pro told him that the sun was shining off of the shiny robot and was blinding motorists driving around the course. The golfer asks , "surely there was something you could do about it". The pro replies, "we tried painting them black, but then it stole all the balls and turned up for work late :rolleyes:
 

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Discussion Starter #5 (Edited)
Did you hear about the two peanuts walking down Las Vegas Blv? One was a salted...

Top that one... lol
 
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Discussion Starter #6
The Gov of Arizona has called for the end of illegal racial profiling, His solution? Make it legal...
 
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Discussion Starter #7
A week ago I was in a bar in San Francisco and I saw a beautiful woman, she was like a supermodel, so I walked up to her and introduced myself and asked where she lived and what she does for a living, she said oh me? I live here in San Francisco and I'm a brain surgeon, now I don't know if this makes me sexist, but I was really impressed! after all, most women can't pull off sarcasm...

Shark Party!
 
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An Irishman walks into a Dublin pub and orders three pints of Guinness.
He takes them to a table and takes a drink from each one, alternating mugs until all of them are empty.
He comes back the next week and does the same. Three pints and takes a drink from each until they are all gone.
The third time he comes in the barman, curious, asks why he drinks like that.
"Oh it's for my brother's, Liam recently moved to the USA, and Sean moved to Australia, so we don't get to see each other very often. We made a pact that every week we would go to a pub at 7:00 on Wednesday and drink for each other."
"That's lovely." Says the barman and wishes him well.
This continues for several years and the Irishman becomes something of a celebrity as the story circulates among the other regulars. He becomes known as 3 pints man.
Until one night, the man comes in and orders two pints. A hush falls over the bar as they watch him take his drinks and continue alternating like always but with a pint missing.
The barman, who first asked him about the tradition feels compelled to go over.
"I'm so sorry for your loss," he says pointing at the pints.
Confused the Irishman looks at him before laughing and saying, "No, we're all fine. I just gave up drinking for Lent."
 
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Discussion Starter #9
I little boy was found dead in an abandoned refrigerator after having been there for a week, he had been playing "hide and go seek" with a group of boys, and that's all anybody had been talking about for days! I said who cares, how many people you know get to die a winner!

Shark Party!
 
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Discussion Starter #10
It was reported that Yahoo and AOL with combine to form a new company, because no one wants to die alone...
 
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What’s the best thing about Switzerland?

I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.
 
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A Civil Servant is dozing behind his desk, enjoying the afternoon sun, if suddenly he sees a spider crawling. Lifting his foot, he thinks, I’m going to kill you. But the spider says in a small voice I have a wife and 10 kids, don’t kill me. If you let me live, I’ll grant you three wishes. All right then, says the CS, let me have the wishes. My first wish is: take me to a tropical island. And whooooosh, he’s rushed off to a beautiful island. What’s you second wish?, the spider asks. To be surrounded by gorgeous women. And whooooosh, there’s the laughter of beautiful, luscious girls all around him. And your last wish, the spider asks?. A lot of money. No wait, I’ve got something better. To live a lazy life for the rest of my days. So be it, the spider replies. And whooooosh, he’s behind his desk again.

What’s the busiest day in a Civil Servant’s work week?
Monday, because then he has to tear 3 pages off the calendar.

Why doesn’t a Civil Servant look out of the window at home?
Because otherwise he wouldn’t have anything to do at work.

Three schoolchildren are bragging about their fathers. The first boy says: I’ve got the fastest father in the world, he’s an F-16 pilot. No way, the second boy boasts, my father is an Astronaut. That’s nothing, the third boy says, my father is a Civil Servant. He has a 9 to 5 work day but he’s at home 3 PM sharp each day! That’s really fast!

Two Civil Servants are walking the street if suddenly, one of them steps on a snail, killing it. Why did you do this, there’s no need for that, the other one shouts. There is, the snail killer answers, it was getting in my way all day!
 

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Discussion Starter #13 (Edited)
I live next door to a 70-year-old man with Alzheimer's and every morning at 8 AM he knocks on my door and ask's if I've seen his wife and every morning I have to explain to a 70-year-old man with Alzheimer's that his wife has been dead for quite some time.

Now I've thought about not answering the door, or moving, but to be honest, it's worth it just to see the smile on his face!


Shark Party! lol
 
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Discussion Starter #14
After town hall participant confronted Trump over his lack of support for a national facemask mandate, Trump said "there are a lot of people who think face masks are not good", and it's true, all though, not as many as there used to be of course...
 
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Beer Bottle: You break me, you get 1 year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then you get 7 years bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)
 
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Discussion Starter #16
My girlfriend just bought a parrot, did you hear what I just said? my girlfriend just bought a parrot! man, that dam thing never shuts up! but the bird was cool...


Shark Party! lol
 

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131344
 
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Can't resist the watch joke.

131345
 
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Discussion Starter #20
A Louisiana boy is being honored for saving his mother's life after she prematurely went into labor and he helped deliver his baby brother, doctors say the baby is healthy but it is unlikely the mother and her son will ever make eye contact again...
 
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